Why Are Spouses Not Allowed To Bury Their Partners?

【Writer: Lee Eng Kew】

Some of my friends have questions about traditional customs. When they cannot find answers to their questions, they may become unconvinced or even hostile towards the customs in question, choosing to not follow them.

A friend of mine once asked why spouses are not allowed to send their partners off to burials. To illustrate, a wife is not allowed to bury her husband when he dies, and a husband is not allowed to bury his wife when she dies. He felt that this was illogical. If it is not possible to send off a spouse, what are the reasons for this? People today demand logical and scientific explanations for such customs. In the case of taboos, there is a corresponding demand for a reason or a convincing justification. The absence of a logical justification makes it difficult to convince the public.

The Southern Min proverb states that sending one's spouse to a funeral will result in financial hardship for the surviving partner. This is exemplified by the saying, "If a man attends his wife’s funeral, he will be starving," and "If a woman attends her husband’s funeral, the rice bucket will often be empty."

It has long been a common belief that it is inappropriate to send one's spouse to a burial. This is a teaching that has been passed down through generations, although there is no logical explanation for it, leading the younger generation to refuse to follow such practices.

According to a Taiwanese writer, Yang Jiongshan's book, he states that: "A husband or wife should attend their spouse's funeral so that if they remarry in the future, they will not be entangled with their spouse's soul. In Taiwan, there is no prohibition on a husband or wife attending the burial of their spouses. If a person intends to remarry, it is still incumbent upon them to attend their spouse's funeral to avoid being troubled by their spouse's spirit. Those who do not attend the funeral are those who do not intend to remarry and wish to be widowed. Yang Jiongshan states that the superstition of avoiding the spirit of entanglement by attending a spouse's burial is a fallacy.

It is noteworthy that the original Indian folklore also has this taboo. In the past, there were incidents where the wives sent their deceased husbands for cremation, jumping into the fire together with them. As a result, there has been a taboo that women cannot attend funerals.

It can be speculated that the Chinese ban on attending a spouse’s funeral, particularly the prohibition on wives sending their husbands to their final resting place, may be due to the cultural concept of “one day of married life breeds days of enduring affections”. During the feudal era, women were not allowed to remarry. The death of a husband was perceived as a loss of financial and emotional support, which often resulted in profound sadness and distress. It is therefore advisable to prohibit wives from attending their husbands' funerals to avoid any distress caused by witnessing such an event. Similarly, it is considered inappropriate for parents to send their children to funerals either. This is also to avoid excessive grief among the elders.

Taboos are established to deal with difficult issues in life. As these taboos ae passed down, there are always people who do not follow the practices. As a result, some "threatening" sayings are invented to reinforce the taboos. For example, the elderly may resort to suicide in order to exert control over their family members and get the results they want. In such circumstances, there is a folk method of counteraction whereby the act of suicide by the elderly is perceived as impoverishing the children and grandchildren. The elderly have great affection for their children and grandchildren. As a result, they will choose not to commit suicide. Therefore, the saying that "sending one's spouse off will lead to poverty" can be seen as a form of "threat" used to dissuade one's spouse from harming himself or herself during the funeral.

There is no scientific evidence to support the claim that the suicide of an elderly person leads to the impoverishment of their children and grandchildren, or that the funeral of a spouse leads to impoverishment. A more reliable justification would be to prevent fainting and health complications resulting from the wife's grief at the funeral. Which brings us back to the question of this article: is it permissible for spouses to send their partners off to funerals? Of course it is permissible. However, if one is particularly distressed by the death of one's spouse, it would be wise to refrain from attending the cremation of the deceased, as this act is often perceived as a painful reminder of the loss.

There is also a folkloric custom that after the death of a wife, the husband must "leap over the coffin" to avoid being haunted by his wife's spirit if he remarries in the future. During the ceremony, the husband, carrying a backpack and an umbrella, stands next to the coffin. It is conducted by monks or funeral workers. The following question is asked and answered: Where are you going with your backpack and umbrella? A: To jump over the coffin. Then the following question is asked: Are you aware that your wife has died? A: Yes. One is allowed to remarry three times after the death of a spouse. The husband then jumps over his wife's coffin, thereby facilitating the acceptance of his remarriage by the wife's soul.

Historically, there has been a discrepancy in the manner in which men and women have been treated with regard to remarriage. While men were permitted to remarry following the death of their wives, women were not afforded the same opportunity. However, if remarriage is permitted for men, it seems reasonable to extend this right to women as well.

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